Wish you were here...

... well, not literally (although that would also be nice); but wishing for you all to have a chance for some real renewal this Lent, as I just did.

I'm basking in the after-effects of a weekend retreat with about 500 teens. An amazing mix of praise and worship, great talks, prayer, eucharistic adoration both nights (and the kids were blown away by this). Young, energetic friars and sisters (one of the Dominican Sisters, in full habit, won the rap contest) who were living examples of the Joy of the Lord... It was amazing to see the kids responses as they stepped away from the clamor of daily life and gave the Holy Spirit a quiet space in which to work.

And God gave me an extra little gift or two. There were three Franciscans there - and being with them is always so good for my soul. We had a few chances to talk and found some great coincidences (God-incidences?) of common ground,in addition to the general sense of joy that comes from being in the presence of brothers and sisters in faith.

But God, being abundant in generosity, gave me more than that. He reminded me of the blessing of the Franciscan outlook, which is one of total and radical dependence on God (and which goes very much against my natural inclination to be in control, to have all my bases covered). I had been working all weekend to push back an internal struggle, so I could just focus on the kids there. But I couldn't silence the noises inside me - worse, couldn't tell if the painful, barren time I was having during the weekend was God tearing me down to the foundations because He needed to, or if I was under serious spiritual attack. So externally, I was fine, but internally, I was in deep conflict. Then right before the closing mass, Fr. Pio Maria reminded me that anxiety runs contrary to trusting God - it is the wonderful, simple Franciscan way to trust absolutely every detail (even if they will have food that day) to God. Now, I hadn't mentioned to Fr Pio about my internal struggle, we were talking about something else.

After we finished speaking and mass began, I realized that God was in control of what was going on inside me and that He would handle it. That if it was spiritual warfare, God was in control and He would let me know if I had to do anything about it. But otherwise, my job was simply to focus on Him, even if I was spiritually barren and conflicted. Okay, I'm kind of picturing Maggie having heart failure as she reads this - don't worry, I'm not discounting the reality of Spiritual warfare, nor of our need to be on guard. But it was wonderful to be reminded that I'm a foot soldier and that the King will give me my marching orders in due time, but I don't need to be laying out strategies for him.

At least for today, I can be like the Franciscans and just trust. Just know that God all-loving, all-present, and all-powerful (as Maggie was writing about), and that I can just wait at his feet, with faith instead of anxiety. He knows I'm there, knows my heart and needs, and that when he needs me to take action, he will let me know. For a type-A control freak like me, that's a very nice (if slightly foreign) place to be. Praying that you all also are finding yourselves sitting at the feet of the King waiting for his commands; or confidently carrying out what ever he has charged you to do today.