I went to confession this weekend, and approached the Sacrament with mixed feelings. I've become increasingly aware of the gift of Mercy in the sacrament and how the Graces received do actually manifest themselves in my life (my family are big fans; they say I'm much nicer after confession ;-) ). But at the same time I was really not happy with some of the things on my "list"; specifically those nagging, recurring sins that seem so rooted in my life.
But I was determined to put it out there to Jesus - no excuses just true recognition of where I'd sinned. I went in there thinking - "Yup, I've got it all sorted, I know what I need to say, and Father is going to give me some serious penance and that will get me on the right track." And then Father gives me this ridiculously easy, simple penance...
I wanted to say "What? That's it? Didn't you hear what I just told you?"
Then it hit me; I had gone in thinking about what I needed to do to make things right with God, so God needed to remind me that He's already taken care of the reconciliation, that His Love and Mercy are way bigger than my sins. The absolution I receive from Jesus has nothing to do with what I've done, and everything to do with who He is, and how He loves. At the heart of it, it's the difference between humility (accepting, with gratitude, a gift given in love) and pride (I don't need your gift, I can earn my way back into your graces).
You'd think I'd catch on; that I'd (as Maggie puts it) let God drive the bus, but I still sometimes forget and want to be the architect of my own salvation. Lucky for me, God's patience is every bit as great as His Mercy and Love. Besides, I think he probably gets a smile each time I finally get the message: after absolution I feel like a little girl on a perfect summer day with nothing to worry me, and all the reasons in Heaven and on Earth to skip and laugh and rejoice with a grateful heart. At least until the next time I forget.
I love your beautiful musings, Janet! How many many times have I gotten all wrapped up in "what I am not" instead of reveling in--and moving forward as--who and what I already am in Him. You are so right: that Attitude of Gratitude is the key to life-changing self-knowledge (ie seeing/knowing ourselves as the Lord sees us), forgiveness (of self and others), acceptance (of what we are and Who God is!), and hence the development of true humility! From that stand point, it is easier to see circumstances as they really are, and so be less likely to be pulled down by blinding (and often paralyzing) misconcepts about myself, others...and God. With no senseless fears to distract me, it becomes so much easier to accept my roles, my "munus", my divine minute-to-minute tasks given to me by the Holy Spirit to stand as the open vessel and representative of the light of God in every situation.
ReplyDeleteBut, one day, I hope to be even more than that. You know why I love the name of your blog? It's because it reminds me of what I so very much want to become: the "Open Window" through which anyone who comes near me can see, hear, reach through and touch the Lord who loves, lives within, and gives breath to all who approach Him. Not just a vessel, but an open window that draws people to look and see...and find! How totally cool is that?
I miss you so much!! Love, Maggie