Learning gratitude

Sometimes I'm a slow learner...

I went to confession this weekend, and approached the Sacrament with mixed feelings. I've become increasingly aware of the gift of Mercy in the sacrament and how the Graces received do actually manifest themselves in my life (my family are big fans; they say I'm much nicer after confession ;-) ). But at the same time I was really not happy with some of the things on my "list"; specifically those nagging, recurring sins that seem so rooted in my life.

But I was determined to put it out there to Jesus - no excuses just true recognition of where I'd sinned. I went in there thinking - "Yup, I've got it all sorted, I know what I need to say, and Father is going to give me some serious penance and that will get me on the right track." And then Father gives me this ridiculously easy, simple penance...

I wanted to say "What? That's it? Didn't you hear what I just told you?"

Then it hit me; I had gone in thinking about what I needed to do to make things right with God, so God needed to remind me that He's already taken care of the reconciliation, that His Love and Mercy are way bigger than my sins. The absolution I receive from Jesus has nothing to do with what I've done, and everything to do with who He is, and how He loves. At the heart of it, it's the difference between humility (accepting, with gratitude, a gift given in love) and pride (I don't need your gift, I can earn my way back into your graces).

You'd think I'd catch on; that I'd (as Maggie puts it) let God drive the bus, but I still sometimes forget and want to be the architect of my own salvation. Lucky for me, God's patience is every bit as great as His Mercy and Love. Besides, I think he probably gets a smile each time I finally get the message: after absolution I feel like a little girl on a perfect summer day with nothing to worry me, and all the reasons in Heaven and on Earth to skip and laugh and rejoice with a grateful heart. At least until the next time I forget.

Yoked To The Lord

I was talking to my 10year old the other day, about how having a personal working relationship with and in the Lord does not mean that all of my hardships are taken away.  However, it does mean that I will have all the strength and resources I need to deal with those hardships, and to persevere through them all.  It means that, with the Lord beside me, I will have the ability to stand--and remain standing--unwavering to the end because HE covers me with HIS faith, HIS strength, HIS provisions, HIS shield, HIS peace.  But, I gotta know that He is ALWAYS there, so that I can literally run straight to Him when things get really dark and hairy--especially if it was ME that turned off the lights and let the bad things in!!! Yikes!

So, out of nowhere, I decide to pick up our summer studies from last year and finish up the Lineage of Grace series by Francine Rivers.  By the weekend, I am in the middle of "Unspoken" (the story of Bathsheba) and totally grieved by the inevitable sorrows that come from decisions all of us have blindly made, driven by the passions of man instead of through the wisdom and love of God.  But even more, I find myself entranced by the powerful lesson of true repentance and the forgiveness that follows.  Once again, I am struck by the realization that re-alignment with God brings not so much the cancellation of wrong-doing, but rather the incredible strength and grounding humility to empower us to persevere through the consequences of our wrong-doings...  Yoking ourselves back to Him allows us the courage to stop, stand and fully acknowledge our misdemeanors, and so begin the journey of restitution and healing.  Transformation can only come through honest recognition of who and what we are, but always aligned with and bound by the true knowledge of Who and What God is--deeper and deeper knowledge of His forgiveness and mercy and boundless love for us. 

Sure, our mistakes may have taken us far away from where God wanted us to be with Him, but by His own life-giving blood, He has gifted us with the opportunity to make our way back.  He gave us the Hope of being fully re-united with and in Him in all ways--as He always meant us to be; and in that hope, even the long way back to Him is still exactly that:  the way back into Him.

"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matt 11:28-30, NIV)

"...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." (Romans 5:3-5, NIV)

Selah, ladies!  Are you staying close to His Word?

love
maggie

My Rudder On The Open Seas

I just love the timing of the Lord.  How better can I say it?  His timing is perfect and His efforts/words never wasted.  If only I could always discern His word to me--for each moment, for each step, for every decision or question or choice I was about to make--what a calm and peace-filled life I would lead!!  Not that my life would be "easy"--but definitely wrought with less anxiety and strife, and filled with more joy and confidence.   After all, if I absolutely "knew" that something I was about to say or do was what the Lord was telling me to do or say, then no matter how difficult the circumstance, no matter how clamorous the opposition, no matter how illogical or odd-appearing the decision, I could act and move in the utter and complete confidence that I am covered by the Lord who loves me beyond life itself.  I could know that no matter what comes of it, my situation is in His capable and all-knowing hands...even if it turns out to be not exactly as "I" had imagined!  Not necessarily the promise of a life of ease, but certainly the promise of a life filled with deep joy and peace...and ALOT less fear.

Alot less fear...ah, and that comes only through Trust.

Being rudderless in an open ocean is really scary--especially if the materials we depend upon can be broken by a big enough wave.  It suddenly hit me that sometimes I am so blind as to think that I can make my life's rudder out of my own self--my own understanding, my own merit, my own strength. Trusting only upon Me, Myself, and I and all that "I" can possibly learn from the world around me is akin to making me my own "god".  One of my teachers used to say:  "Believe me, being your own god is totally exhausting.  It leaves little time for anything else....like living."  

No matter how intelligent or capable I may think I am, on my own I can only go so far before I will become befuddled by the many seemingly equally "good" choices I will have to make for myself and for others who are impacted by my decisions.  Without the guidance of the Lord, my life can easily become a series of "lucky" hit-or-miss adventures, filled with hurtful advances and costly set-backs; or it could be a long dreary plod along ineffectual but well-worn pathways, not because those pathways are good, but because they are "safe" from threatening what-ifs and but-it-could-happens.  The pressure in either case is immense and exhausting--believe me.  Been there.  Never want to go back.


But, in the Lord, with His guidance, following His voice and His all-knowing love-filled lead, I can venture into places beyond my comfort zone and know that I am covered and provided for.  Being in the open seas is still scary, but with the Lord as my rudder, I no longer have to be paralyzed with fear.  No matter how the storm ends, I know that He has me squarely in the palm of His hand.

How totally cool is that?

What Do I Fear?

Wow...what a God-powered morning!  I felt as if the hike literally came out of the blue and fell into place like some shiny gift-wrapped box sent directly from Heaven to us!!  I know that Lorraine and Sue did some amazing last minute 'hearing and heeding the Holy Spirit' stuff to prepare, but nothing and no one but the Lord could have given us the picture-perfect weather, the crystal clear blue skies, and the breathtaking scenery...surely it was an outing planned by the Father Himself!!  Can you feel His love for us, ladies??? We were BATHED in it that day!!   

Like many have said of your own experience, the Holy Spirit-given verses and the teachings that Sue spoke over us on the hike yesterday reached deeply into my heart as well and revealed some amazing things about Fear that I had not before realized.  "Consider..." Sue said as we paused on the second prayer stop of our journey, "...consider seriously, that which you fear most.  Bring it to the forefront of your thoughts and face it.  Think about it.  Share it with someone, if you are willing...talk it over with your friend if it would better help you think it through."  


I pulled away from the group then, seriously considering what I might be afraid of...but nothing distinct really came to mind. The usual things that used to literally paralyze me with worry, I realized, no longer frighten me.  Yet, when I peered into the front room of my heart, so to speak, I could plainly see the huge black ape that sat there, hulking and unmoving, right there in the middle of the room.  So...what do I fear, I wondered.  Show me, Lord.

And then, I 'saw' the strangest picture in my mind.  There, on an otherwise empty stage, stood Jesus, silent and alone beside a simple curtained screen on wheels (like the ones magicians use in a disappearing act).  There was no one else on stage except Jesus and this curtained screen, and although the stage was lit, the rest of the room, where the audience stood waiting, was darkened.  I had the sense that I was standing in the midst of a large crowd waiting watchful, quiet and alert, in anticipation of the "act" about to happen.  Slowly, the curtained screen began to roll across the stage until it stood in front of Jesus such that He was hidden from our view.

After a few seconds of silence, the crowd started to leave.  When I looked at their faces, they were blank, bored and dull,...disinterested.  No curious questions, no wondering, no thinking about what had happened on stage.  And as they passed by me, I could 'see' what their logical reasoning had convinced them.  I could 'hear' the thought in their heads saying:  Oh, He wasn't really there in the first place...He was never ever really there.  Bemused at their mistaken presumptions, I climbed onto the stage and pushed away the curtain to show them...but the stage was empty.  Jesus was no longer there.  And I felt confused...a terrible moment of faltering hesitation...a momentary panic-stricken thought that I should really be following the quickly dwindling crowd of people lest I be left behind, alone and un-guided; that I should really be surrounded by people who were confident of their suppositions and logical conclusions.   In that tiny flash of a moment, I started to question what I knew...and I was seized with Doubt.

And that's when I understood what I fear most:  I fear the Power of Doubt.  The power of Doubt to cause mistrust and biased judgment.  The power of Doubt to lead one to consider and accept hollow thinking and deceptive philosophy.  The power of Doubt to cause Disinterest, Loss of Discernment...the power of Doubt to dismiss divine revelation and ignore true prophecy. The power of Doubt to veil eyes, deafen ears, bind hands, halt steps, silence hearts and deaden spirits.  And the thought of it made me fearful again.  Wow.  Nothing like fear to darken a beautiful morning!

But then, at the next stop, Sue read Jesus' words from John: "Trust Me.  Just Trust Me.  I'm going to prepare a place for you....I'm coming back to get you! You're Mine."  And suddenly that huge scary ape in my front room was nothing but a tiny ant...and I could see straight again.  


When the fellow in Florida decided to heed God's call to go deep into the swamp and find the little lost autistic girl, he fought through two hours of dense brush and threatening water to get to her.  Whenever he got to a point so dense or deep that he thought for sure he was lost or mistaken, he stopped and prayed and listened.  And God would tell him:  "I've gotcha here.  Just keep going." 

By the end of our hike, I also knew the message He wanted me to hear:  Don't be afraid.  Don't stop. I've gotcha covered.  Just keep going...

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Rom 8:31, NIV)

"My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. I tell you this so that no one may deceive you by fine-sounding arguments." (Col 2:2-4, NIV)

"See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ." (Col 2:8, NIV)

Thank you, Sue and Lorraine, for hearing and heeding the Spirit's desire to take us on this wonderful hike!  My heart is transformed and my hope renewed.  And I know without a Doubt:


"The LORD is my light and my salvation—
       whom shall I fear?
       The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
       of whom shall I be afraid?" (Ps 27:1, NIV)



Selah, ladies!

love
mags

As we wait for the joy of Easter...

The Easter Homily of St. John Chrysostom

If any man be devout and loveth God,

Let him enjoy this fair and radiant triumphal feast!

If any man be a wise servant,

Let him rejoicing enter into the joy of his Lord.

If any have laboured long in fasting,

Let him how receive his recompense.

If any have wrought from the first hour,

Let him today receive his just reward.

If any have come at the third hour,

Let him with thankfulness keep the feast.

If any have arrived at the sixth hour,

Let him have no misgivings;

Because he shall in nowise be deprived therefore.

If any have delayed until the ninth hour,

Let him draw near, fearing nothing.

And if any have tarried even until the eleventh hour,

Let him, also, be not alarmed at his tardiness.

For the Lord, who is jealous of his honour,

Will accept the last even as the first.

He giveth rest unto him who cometh at the eleventh hour,

Even as unto him who hath wrought from the first hour.

And He showeth mercy upon the last,

And careth for the first;

And to the one He giveth,

And upon the other He bestoweth gifts.

And He both accepteth the deeds,

And welcometh the intention,

And honoureth the acts and praises the offering.

Wherefore, enter ye all into the joy of your Lord;

Receive your reward,

Both the first, and likewise the second.

You rich and poor together, hold high festival!

You sober and you heedless, honour the day!

Rejoice today, both you who have fasted

And you who have disregarded the fast.

The table is full-laden; feast ye all sumptuously.

The calf is fatted; let no one go hungry away.

Enjoy ye all the feast of faith:

Receive ye all the riches of loving-kindness.

Let no one bewail his poverty,

For the universal Kingdom has been revealed.

Let no one weep for his iniquities,

For pardon has shown forth from the grave.

Let no one fear death,

For the Saviour's death has set us free.

He that was held prisoner of it has annihilated it.

By descending into Hell, He made Hell captive.

He embittered it when it tasted of His flesh.

And Isaiah, foretelling this, did cry:

Hell, said he, was embittered

When it encountered Thee in the lower regions.

It was embittered, for it was abolished.

It was embittered, for it was mocked.

It was embittered, for it was slain.

It was embittered, for it was overthrown.

It was embittered, for it was fettered in chains.

It took a body, and met God face to face.

It took earth, and encountered Heaven.

It took that which was seen, and fell upon the unseen.

O Death, where is thy sting?

O Hell, where is thy victory?

Christ is risen, and thou art overthrown!

Christ is risen, and the demons are fallen!

Christ is risen, and the angels rejoice!

Christ is risen, and life reigns!

Christ is risen, and not one dead remains in the grave.

For Christ, being risen from the dead,

Is become the first-fruits of those who have fallen asleep.

To Him be glory and dominion

Unto ages of ages.

Amen.